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Bars and Bartender Jokes and Funny Stories

Jokes and funny stories about bars and bartenders.

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There are 14 jokes in this category.

A man goes into a bar and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing chatting to the barman. The man says, "I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?"
Vincent replies, "No thanks I've got one ear."

A man walked into a bar in Egypt and ordered a drink. While he was pouring the drink, the barman asked him if he had ever been in the bar before. "I've been here a few times" replied the customer.
"I thought so," said the barman. "I don't remember your name, but I've definately seen your fez before."

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want a whisky and ............ water please."
The barman says, "Why the big pause?"
The bear says, "I was born with them."

William Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer but the barman says sorry I can't serve you, you're bard.

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an IW. "IW?" inquires the bartender, "what's that?" "Irish whiskey," answers the man. So the bartender gives him an Irish whiskey and the man sits down to drink it. A little while later, a Scotsman arrives and requests an SW. "Scotch whiskey?" asks the bartender. "Right," answers the man. The bartender gives him the whiskey and the man sits down to drink it. Soon, a blonde appears and tells the bartender she wants a "15." "What's a 15?" asks the bartender. "You know," begins the blonde, "seven and seven."

A man walked into a pub and saw a gorilla serving behind the bar. "What's the matter?" said the gorilla, realising he was being stared at. "Have you never seen a gorilla serving drinks before?"
"It's not that," said the man. "I never thought that the hippo would sell this place."

Two fonts walked into a bar. The bartender said, "sorry I can't serve you, we don't want your type in here."

This man was in the pub when he spotted someone he thought he knew. So he went over to him and said, "Are you Colin Williams?"
The other man replied that he was not Colin Williams. "That's strange, you look just like him. You must have a double."
"Thanks very much, I'll have a double whisky."

Two guys are chatting in a pub and one says to the other, "How did you get those scars on your nose?"
"From glasses," said the other guy.
"You should try contact lenses."
"Don't be silly, they wouldn't hold much beer."

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a second and replies "What! They gave me a Chihuahua?"

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A Randomly Selected Joke

My girlfriend always makes me melt-in-your-mouth dinners. She always forgets to defrost them.

You can find more like this in the Girlfriends category