Location = Home > British Jokes And Humor > British Jokes And Humor - 3

British Jokes And Humor - 3

This is page 3 of British jokes and humor.

Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo?
A lion called another a cheetah. Personally, I think he was lion.

When I fly on a jet, my ears pop a lot; it's an earry feeling.

Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high?
A lot of expenses are in curd.

Have you heard the one about the tribe of Basques who lived in this valley? They heard that barbarian hoards were approaching, so they decided to lay a trap. They all waited in the hills at the entrance to the valley. When the barbarians passed by, they descended on them. Unfortunately, the barbarians had a lot more experience of warfare than the Basques did, and so the Basques were slaughtered.
The moral of the story is : Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

One day when William Shakespeare went swimming he became obsessed with the notion that gypsy moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial; and you could tell the correct time! So they called it: Alexander's Rag-Time-Band.

What do you call a bald teddy?
Fred Bear.

When a famous admiral died, the Royal Navy wanted to lay on a grand ceremony in his honour. After two hours of speeches and hymns, it was suggested that the event should end with a cannon salute. That was when the organisation of the ceremony threatened to run into trouble for nobody on the four-man planning committee could seem to agree on the number of shots that should be fired in the salute.
"I think one shot would be perfect," said the first captain. "It would be moving and deeply symbolic."
"I think there should be two," suggested the second captain, 'in honour of the two great battles he won."
"Well, I think we should have three shots," said the third captain, 'as a mark of respect to the number of ships he commanded.' The fourth captain puffed quietly on his pipe until asked for his opinion.
"There's no argument," he said. 'We must fire four shots at the end of the ceremony to commemorate the late admiral's four decorations for gallantry. In fact, I have already discussed the matter with the Queen, and it has all been approved." With that, the other three captains stormed out of the room.
One turned at the door and said: "We wouldn't have bothered coming if we had known it was a four-gun conclusion!"

A man goes into a seasfood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster tails - £1." Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over.
"Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"
"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?" "No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my £1. Fill me up"
The waitress took the £1 coin, sat down beside him and said; "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

Old Jimmy had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, close to death. The family called their local minister to stand with them. As the minister stood next to the bed, Old Jimmy's condition appeared to deteriorate quickly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The minister handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Jimmy used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The minister thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realised he was wearing the same jacket that he had on the day Old Jimmy died.
He said to the mourners: "You know, Old Jimmy handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Jimmy, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Page 1 | Page 2 | Page 3 | Page 4 | Page 5 | Page 6

A Randomly Selected Joke

You can find more like this in the Famous Books category