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British Jokes And Humour - 4

This is page 4 of British jokes and humour.

Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high?
A lot of expenses are in curd.

Have you heard the one about the tribe of Basques who lived in this valley? They heard that barbarian hoards were approaching, so they decided to lay a trap. They all waited in the hills at the entrance to the valley. When the barbarians passed by, they descended on them. Unfortunately, the barbarians had a lot more experience of warfare than the Basques did, and so the Basques were slaughtered.
The moral of the story is : Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

One day when William Shakespeare went swimming he became obsessed with the notion that gypsy moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks! He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend replied, "No holes, bard."

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial and you could tell the correct time! So they called it: Alexander's Rag-Time-Band.

What do you call a bald teddy?
Fred Bear.

When a famous admiral died, the Royal Navy wanted to lay on a grand ceremony in his honour. After two hours of speeches and hymns, it was suggested that the event should end with a cannon salute. That was when the organisation of the ceremony threatened to run into trouble for nobody on the four-man planning committee could seem to agree on the number of shots that should be fired in the salute.
"I think one shot would be perfect," said the first captain. "It would be moving and deeply symbolic."
"I think there should be two," suggested the second captain, 'in honour of the two great battles he won."
"Well, I think we should have three shots," said the third captain, 'as a mark of respect to the number of ships he commanded.' The fourth captain puffed quietly on his pipe until asked for his opinion.
"There's no argument," he said. 'We must fire four shots at the end of the ceremony to commemorate the late admiral's four decorations for gallantry. In fact, I have already discussed the matter with the Queen, and it has all been approved." With that, the other three captains stormed out of the room.
One turned at the door and said: "We wouldn't have bothered coming if we had known it was a four-gun conclusion!"

A man goes into a seasfood restaurant and sees a sign that reads: "Big Red Lobster tails - £1." Amazed at the value of the offer, he calls a waitress over.
"Excuse me," he said. "Is that sign correct?"
"Yes sir," she replied. "It's today's special offer."
"Fantastic," said the man. "But are you sure they're not small?"
"Oh no sir, I can assure you that they are very big."
"Are they out of date then?" "No, no sir, they are fresh in this morning."
"Well in that case, here's my £1. Fill me up"
The waitress took the £1 coin, sat down beside him and said "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

Old Jimmy had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, close to death. The family called their local minister to stand with them. As the minister stood next to the bed, Old Jimmy's condition appeared to deteriorate quickly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The minister handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Jimmy used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The minister thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realised he was wearing the same jacket that he had on the day Old Jimmy died.
He said to the mourners: "You know, Old Jimmy handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Jimmy, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A passenger sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. Suddenly the driver screams, loses control of the vehicle, nearly hits a bus, mounts the pavement, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second, everything is quiet in the cab, then the driver turns round to the passenger and says: "Don't ever do that to me again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologises and says he didn't realise that a little tap could scare someone so much.
The driver replies: "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."

Three French Foreign Legionnaires were walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough food and water to last them a week. On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Voila," he says. "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?" And sure enough, there, proud and defiant in ihe middle of the desert, is a bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far-off mystery object. Inch by inch, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The others hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand all around them. The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice.
"Zat was no bacon tree, he gasps. "Zat was an ,am bush."

A Randomly Selected Joke
The lawyer's motto - Where there's a will there's a pay
You can find more like this in the Lawyers category