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British Jokes And Humour - 4

This is page 4 of British jokes and humour.

A passenger sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. Suddenly the driver screams, loses control of the vehicle, nearly hits a bus, mounts the pavement, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second, everything is quiet in the cab, then the driver turns round to the passenger and says: "Don't ever do that to me again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologises and says he didn't realise that a little tap could scare someone so much.
The driver replies: "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver - for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."

Three French Foreign Legionnaires were walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough food and water to last them a week. On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Voila," he says. "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?" And sure enough, there, proud and defiant in ihe middle of the desert, is a bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far-off mystery object. Inch by inch, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The others hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand all around them. The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice.
"Zat was no bacon tree, he gasps. "Zat was an ,am bush."

One of my ancestors fell at Waterloo.
Really.
Yes he fell off platform six.

Did you hear about the idiot who thought that Lord of the Flies was a book about a man who was given a life peerage for inventing a zip fastener for men's trousers?

The city trader was staring intently at the share prices on his computer screen when suddenly he said, "I've got a hunch..." but was interrupted by a colleague who said, "No you haven't. You're just a little bit round-shouldered."

When the high court judge arrrived home looking tired and exhausted he sighed and told his wife, "It's been another trying day."

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

Where do policemen live?
999 Letsby Avenue.

He had jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so he told everyone to speak up as he was a trifle deaf.

An tourist went to Portsmouth to see Nelson's flagship HMS Victory. On the tour of the ship, the guide pointed out a raised brass plaque on the deck. "That's where Nelson fell," said the guide.
The tourist was unimpressed. "I nearly tripped on it myself."

A Randomly Selected Joke

This table is reserved.
The other is extroverted.

You can find more like this in the Jokes About Restaurants & Food category