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British Jokes And Humour - 5

This is page 5 of British jokes and humour.

Do you need training to be a litter collector?
No, you just pick it up as you go along.

"Well, Michael, I hear, you drove your car to London for the first time."
'I did that, George.'
'And how did you find the traffic in London?'
"Well, it wasn't as bad as I expected. When I got there, I found a parking space right away. It was in front of a fire station and there was even a big sign outside saying FINE FOR PARKING."

Waiter, do you serve asparagus?
No. We don't serve sparrows and my name's not Gus.

Tourist: What's the name of that river?
Local: Wye, sir.
Tourist: Because I want to know.

Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?
He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into consideration.

An expedition was lost in the jungle. All of a sudden the native guide stopped and said, "Compass here, compass here, compass here."
The leader of the expedition said, "I'm sorry old chap, but we don't have a compass here."
The guide said, "no you don't understand. We've come past here three times already this afternoon."

McDougal ran a fish and chip shop opposite Barclays bank. Late one night a man came in and said, "Could you possibly lend me five pounds - I'm really stuck."
"Sorry," said McDougal, "I couldn't possibly do that because of an arrangement I've got with the bank."
"What arrangement is that?" asked the man.
"They don't sell fish and chips and I don't lend money."

He had jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so he told everyone to speak up as he was a trifle deaf.

A man in the Australian outback is taken ill and is taken in by the Sisters of Mercy, to revive and grow well. Their finest medicine, oddly enough, is their tea. When the man is ready to leave, he asks how they make it. They explain it is taken from their own special bush out back, the "Mercy Tea" bush. "Do you strain it?" he asks. "No," they tell him, "the Koala bear planted the bush, and the Koala tea of mercy is not strained."

Once upon a time, a man found a strange bird in the woods. He took it home and fed it well, but it grew too big for the house. Soon, it grew too large for the yard, so he took it to the highest mountain he could find, and threw it off. When asked why he took it so far, he said, "It's a long, long way to tip a rarey."

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