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British Jokes And Humor - 6

This is page 6 of British jokes and humor.

Waiter, do you serve asparagus?
No. We don't serve sparrows and my name's not Gus.

Tourist: What's the name of that river?
Local: Wye, sir.
Tourist: Because I want to know.

Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport?
He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into consideration.

An expedition was lost in the jungle. All of a sudden the native guide stopped and said, "Compass here, compass here, compass here."
The leader of the expedition said, "I'm sorry old chap, but we don't have a compass here."
The guide said, "no you don't understand. We've come past here three times already this afternoon."

McDougal ran a fish and chip shop opposite Barclays bank. Late one night a man came in and said, "Could you possibly lend me five pounds - I'm really stuck."
"Sorry," said McDougal, "I couldn't possibly do that because of an arrangement I've got with the bank."
"What arrangement is that?" asked the man.
"They don't sell fish and chips and I don't lend money."

He had jelly in one ear and custard in the other, so he told everyone to speak up as he was a trifle deaf.

A man in the Australian outback is taken ill and is taken in by the Sisters of Mercy, to revive and grow well. Their finest medicine, oddly enough, is their tea. When the man is ready to leave, he asks how they make it. They explain it is taken from their own special bush out back, the "Mercy Tea" bush. "Do you strain it?" he asks. "No," they tell him, "the Koala bear planted the bush, and the Koala tea of mercy is not strained."

Once upon a time, a man found a strange bird in the woods. He took it home and fed it well, but it grew too big for the house. Soon, it grew too large for the yard, so he took it to the highest mountain he could find, and threw it off. When asked why he took it so far, he said, "It's a long, long way to tip a rarey."

There was a farmer who rebuilt an old barn on his property. He kept the cows, pigs, chickens and the plowhorse in that barn. But the birds were so used to using that barn as a nesting place that they kept annoying the poor old horse. The farmer went to the mayor (who was also a baker) for help in getting rid of the birds. The mayor told him to sprinkle yeast on the barn floor, which the farmer did. Lo and behold - it worked! The next day, the farmer went back to the mayor and asked how it was possible.
The mayor said, "Easy. Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

There were these three wildebeests out in the desert: a Papa wildebeest, a Mama wildebeest, and a baby wildebeest. They're travelling along, trying to get home, but they get lost and are trying to find their way out of the desert. The sun beats down and it gets hotter and hotter. The poor wildebeests get thirstier and weaker. Finally, the Papa wildebeest collapses from the heat and dies. The Mama and baby continue, but soon the Mama wildebeest also collapses and dies. The baby struggles on for a while, but he, too, is finally overcome and dies.
That's the end of the gnus. Now, for the weather!

A Randomly Selected Joke
Why don't you act like a human being or don't you do impersonations?
You can find more like this in the Humorous Insults category