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Jokes About Animals - 3

This is page 3 of jokes and humor about animals

What is the most vulnerable animal in the world?
The frog. When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch and it's toadalled.

When his car suddenly grinds to a halt on a lonely country road the driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the sparkplugs.
Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too".
He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing.
"Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest bar and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it".
The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?"
"Yes."
"I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

An old cat had made his home in the alley behind Joe's bar for some time, existing on scraps and occasional handouts from the barman. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Joe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Joe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Joe and expired on the spot. Joe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Joe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Joe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. Joe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."

George: Our dog is just like one of our family.
Fred: Which one?

A hungry lion was searching the jungle looking for food. In a clearing he spotted two men. One was sitting on a rock, reading a book the other was writing a letter. Without a moment's hesitation, the lion pounced on the man reading the book and ate him.
Because even lions know that readers digest and writers cramp.

A zookeeper spotted a man throwing 20 pound notes into the penguin enclosure.
"Why are you doing that?" he asked the man.
The man replied, "the sign says that it is allowed."
"No it doesn't."
"Yes it does. It says Do not feed the Penguins. £20 fine."

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough." The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please." She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A man was walking down the street with a baby monkey in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with it. "I just bought this monkey as a pet. We have no children so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same room as me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

One day last week I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a zebra walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you know that you have a zebra in your back yard?"
He said, "Yes, I know what do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the zoo."
The next day I looked out my backyard again and the zebra was still in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought you took that zebra to the zoo?"
He said, "I did, and we had so much fun that today I am taking him to the beach ..."

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A Randomly Selected Joke

Customer: Waiter, can I have some undercooked chips, some gooey, cold beans and a fried egg coated in old grease?
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, but we couldn't possibly serve you anything like that.
Customer: Why not? That's what you served me yesterday.

You can find more like this in the Jokes About Restaurants & Food category