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Jokes About Animals

Here are some jokes and funny stories about animals including dogs, horses and ducks. This is page 1 of 3

There are 23 jokes in this category.

Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodation for squirrels?
It's called The Nutcracker Suite.

The three bears sit down at the breakfast table. Baby bear says, "who's been eating my porridge?"
Daddy bear says, "who's been eating my porridge?"
And mommy bear screams, "do we have to go through this every single morning? I haven't made the porridge yet."

Have you ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog's the first one to the door, but it's never for him?

There was a farmer who rebuilt an old barn on his property. He kept the cows, pigs, chickens and the plowhorse in that barn. But the birds were so used to using that barn as a nesting place that they kept devilin' the poor old horse. The farmer went to the mayor (who was also a baker) for help in exterminating the birds. The mayor told him to sprinkle yeast on the barn floor, which the farmer did. Lo and behold---it worked! The next day, the farmer went back to the mayor and asked how it was possible. The mayor said, "Easy. Yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."

There were these three wildebeests out in the desert: a Papa wildebeest, a Mama wildebeest, and a baby wildebeest. They're travelling along, trying to get home, but they get lost and are trying to find their way out of the desert. The sun beats down and it gets hotter and hotter. The poor wildebeests get thirstier and weaker. Finally, the Papa wildebeest collapses from the heat and dies. The Mama and baby continue, but soon the Mama wildebeest also collapses and dies. The baby struggles on for a while, but he, too, is finally overcome and dies.
That's the end of the gnus. Now, for the weather!

What is the most vulnerable animal in the world?
The frog. When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch and it's toadalled.

When his car suddenly grinds to a halt on a lonely country road the driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opens the bonnet and starts fiddling with the sparkplugs.
Suddenly he hears a voice. "The left hand carburettor is blocked, why don't you drain it and the muck should come out too".
He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugs and goes back to what he was doing.
"Drain the muck out of the left hand carburettor", says the voice again, and when he turns round all he can see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to do and he suddenly realises that the horse is giving him instructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he is told, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drives down to the nearest bar and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman, "My car broke down up there and a horse told me how to repair it".
The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a black one?"
"Yes."
"I thought so, the white one knows nothing about cars."

An old cat had made his home in the alley behind Joe's bar for some time, existing on scraps and occasional handouts from the barman. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Joe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when Joe slammed the door, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Joe and expired on the spot. Joe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Joe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Joe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. Joe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost: "I can't. You know the law: I can't retail spirits after 2:00 AM."

George: Our dog is just like one of our family.
Fred: Which one?

A hungry lion was searching the jungle looking for food. In a clearing he spotted two men. One was sitting on a rock, reading a book; the other was writing a letter. Without a moment's hesitation, the lion pounced on the man reading the book and ate him.
Because even lions know that readers digest and writers cramp.

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