Location = Home > Funny Jokes About Lawyers

Funny Jokes About Lawyers

This is our collection of funny jokes about those fine up-standing members of society - lawyers and the legal profession. This is page 1 of 4

There are 36 jokes in this category.

The lawyer's motto - Where there's a will there's a pay

After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping the contents of it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, "Here they are!" "Here are what?" the startled lawyer asked.
"Grounds for Divorce."

A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457-year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457."
St. Peter was now confused, and said, "Why, you must be 457 years old! We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"

Lawyer: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Lawyer: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a lawyer."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons.
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

A lawyer was surprised one day when the door of his office opened and his local family butcher walked in. 'I'd like your advice,' said the butcher. 'If a dog came into my shop and stole some meat, would the dog's owner be obliged to pay for it?'
'He certainly would,' said the lawyer. 'No question about it.'
'Well,' said the butcher, 'your dog came into my shop this morning and stole a chicken.'
'How much was it worth?' asked the lawyer. '£5 should cover it,' replied the butcher.
'£5, eh?' said the lawyer. 'All right. My usual fee for legal advice is £30, so if you just send me a cheque for £25, we'll call it quits.'

Lawyer: 'And just how far were you from the accident when it took place?'
Witness: 'Eighteen feet, two and a half inches.' Lawyer: 'Oh, come now! How can you be so exact?'
Witness: 'I knew some stupid idiot would ask me so I measured it.'

A very short-tempered lawyer was bullying a witness. 'I insist that you answer the question with a simple yes or no,' he shouted. 'There are some questions,' said the witness calmly, 'that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no.' 'Rubbish!' shouted the lawyer. 'Give me an example.'
'All right,' said the witness. 'Have you stopped beating your wife?'

A young man was appearing as a witness in a court case. The prosecuting counsel was not at all happy with his evidence and said sharply, 'Has anyone been telling you what to say in court?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the young man. 'My father.'
'I see,' said the lawyer. 'And just what exactly did he tell you?'
'He said the lawyers would try to get me all mixed up but if I stuck to the truth, I'd be all right.'

Page 1 | Page 2 | Page 3 | Page 4