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Miscellaneous Jokes - 2

This is page 2 of miscellaneous jokes and funny stories.

I've just been out riding.
Horseback?
Yes, the horse got back two hours before me.

I've fallen into the bad habit of talking to myself.
I wondered why you were looking so bored.

"Why are you so angry?"
"Because it's all the rage."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm in trouble."
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT in trouble. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're in trouble!"

Mick formed a dance band and they were working their first gig at the local hall. Mick was very excited about it all and said to the trombone player, "Stuart.. go outside and listen to what it sounds like." The trombone player went out and after a while came back ecstatic. "It's great!!" he exclaimed, "you should hear it." So the whole band went outside to listen...

I've just swallowed a fly.
Have you taken anything for it?
No. I'll just let it starve to death.

When is it bad luck to have a black cat cross your path?
When you're a mouse.

I plan to live forever - so far so good.

A naval officer met a pirate at an inn and couldn't help but noticing that the pirate had a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
"How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the officer.
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit off my leg."
"That's terrible," said the officer. "What about the hook? How did you come by that?"
"Well" said the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and in the heat of battle, my right hand was sliced off by an enemy swordsman."
"How terrible," said the officer. "And the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye."
"You lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?"
"Well, it was my first day with the hook."

Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high?
A lot of expenses are in curd.

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