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Scottish Jokes And Funny Stories - 3

This is page 3 of funny Scottish jokes and humor. Don't forget that St Andrew's Day is on the 30th of November.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a bar and had just started on a new round when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Irishman blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it out, ye wee devil," he growled.

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.
'Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."
Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
'Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

How do you recognize a left-handed Scotsman?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.

After discovering they had won ten million pounds on the National Lottery, Mr and Mrs McKenzie sat down to discuss their future. "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs to earn money," said Mrs McKenzie, "At last I can throw away my old scrubbing brush."
"Of course you can," said her husband. "We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

Did you hear about the generous Scotsman who offered a million pounds to the first person to swim non-stop across the Atlantic ocean?

How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob?
Take up a collection.

Walter went on a date with his new girlfriend and they reached the door of her flat just before midnight. When she kissed him goodnight she said, "be careful on your way home or someone might rob you of all the money you've saved this evening.

When Sandy MacGillivray came back from his first trip to London, everyone in the village was keen to find out how he had got on.
"Did you like it?"
"Oh, it was no' bad."
"As good as that, Was it?"
"Well, there was just the one thing wrong. The other guests in my hotel just would not go to their beds. They were in the corridor ouside my room shouting and banging on my door untill three o'clock in the morning." So what did you do, Sandy?"
"Och, I just kept on playing my bagpipes."

Why do all Scots have a sense of humour?
Because it's free.

It is said that it takes ten Irishmen to outsmart a Welshman, twenty Welshmen to outsmart an Englishman, and a hundred Englishmen to outsmart a Scotsman.

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A Randomly Selected Joke

My boyfriend reminds me of the sea.
You mean he's wild, romantic and restless?
No. He makes me sick.

You can find more like this in the Boyfriends jokes category