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Funny Scottish Jokes and Humor

Here is our selection of funny jokes and humor about the Scots and Scotland. Don't forget that St Andrew's Day is on the 30th of November. Saint Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland (plus Greece and Russia). This is page 1 of 4

There are 34 jokes in this category.

A little Scottish boy ran into the house and said to his father, "I've just saved twenty pence by running home from school behind the bus."
His father replied, "that's good but you could have saved £2 by running home behind a taxi."

Hamish was travelling by train from Edinburgh to London so he went to the train station and handed over money for his ticket. The ticket clerk handed over the ticket and said, "by the way, change at York."
"I'll have mine now, if you don't mind," said Hamish.

Last night there was a big argument in a Glasgow cinema. Two men were trying to get in using one ticket - they said they half-brothers.

Have you heard about the Scotsman who gave a present of fifty pounds each to an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman?
Nor has anyone else.

Did you hear about the man who gave up making haggis?
He didn't have the guts for it anymore.

A Scots woman goes in a dry cleaning shop and says to the shop owner, "Can I sit down for a wee while, I have a bairn."
The posh shop owner replies, "I'm sorry, we don't repair scorched clothing."

What did one highland cow say to the other?
Och, aye the moo!

John McDougal heard about a doctor who charged ten pounds for the first consultation but only three pounds for every subsequent visit. So he walked into the doctor's surgery and announced, 'Here I am again, doctor.'
'Just keep up the treatment I prescribed last time,' said the doctor, who was also a Scotsman.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a bar and had just started on a new round when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Irishman blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it out, ye wee devil," he growled.

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.
'Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some."
Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"
'Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

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