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Funny Scottish Jokes and Humor

Here is our selection of funny jokes and humor about the Scots and Scotland.

Don't forget that St Andrew's Day is on the 30th of November. Saint Andrew is the patron saint of Scotland (plus Greece and Russia).

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jokes about scotland

There are 46 jokes in this category.

Jock went into a hardware store and asked for a cheap coat-hanger. The assistant showed him one that cost 10 pence. 'Don't you have anything cheaper?' asked Jock.
'How about a nail?' replied the exasperated shop assistant.

Why is it that Scotsmen are so good at golf?
They realised years ago that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who told his son that the gas meter was a savings bank and he should put his pocket money in it every week?

Did you hear about the Scotsman who was arrested for a smash and grab raid on a jewelers shop window?
He came back to collect the brick.

Did you hear about the Scotsman who died of starvation?
He did not want to eat because he had paid £20 to have his teeth cleaned at the dentist.

A Scotsman who lived in London met his cousin in a bar and noticed that he looked sad.
"What's the matter Forbes?" he inquired.
"I was on jury service, and I was given thirty days in jail."
"For being on a jury? How did that happen?"
"The judge said 'what is your name?' and I said "Forbes MacKintosh MacGregor."He said 'Are you Scottish by any chance?' and I said "are you a comedian?"

What do you get if you steal part of a fish supper from an elderly Scottish gentleman?
A chip of the old Jock.

What do you call 36 inches when you are in Glasgow?
A Scotland Yard.

What do you call a Scotsman who has an Apple computer?
Mac.

What is 20 feet tall, and sings Scotland the Brave?
The Loch Ness Songster.

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A Randomly Selected Joke
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a multi-millionaire?
A very witch person.
You can find more like this in the Jokes About Witches category